I feel as though I've hit a brick wall.
I want to stop doing a lot of the things that I used to love because it doesn't feel the same as it used to years ago.
I think that is my horrible personality.
I'm too fickle. I should change.
Wednesday, June 24, 2009
Thursday, May 28, 2009
Not Yet a Vacation
I'm home. For good.
Life doesn't seem to be giving me a break though. Why do I have to think about re-paying loans ALREADY? Give me a 6 month grace period like you said! Ugh.
I'm so stressed out and I'm worried (i know I shouldn't be, everything will go according to His will... but..) I'm tired and my throat is really sore. I don't like it when things don't work out the way it was planned! I really hope I can do all of this the next few days...
Life doesn't seem to be giving me a break though. Why do I have to think about re-paying loans ALREADY? Give me a 6 month grace period like you said! Ugh.
I'm so stressed out and I'm worried (i know I shouldn't be, everything will go according to His will... but..) I'm tired and my throat is really sore. I don't like it when things don't work out the way it was planned! I really hope I can do all of this the next few days...
Sunday, May 24, 2009
Friday, May 22, 2009
Goodbye Rochester
I sat through Part A of commencement ceremony today. It was definitely interesting. Granted; it was crowded and a little overwhelming to see so many students next to me but it was also pretty empowering to sit and listen to the speeches that my president and our speaker (the newly appointed CEO of Xerox) had to say. It was also really sad.
Yesterday, I had my final crit, then I met with my parents for dinner- they had just gotten in from NYC, and then afterwards I went over to Dan's place for a final "hoo-rah". As we were there, the old group, Dan, Brian, Oronde, Jocelyn, Eric, Min, Petros and even Josh were all there. It was really weird. We haven't really met up this entire term, but I remember last year, we used to hang out all the time. I mean, that apartment was my second HOME. I used to be over at Dan's place almost everyday... I was even designated my own living space. So much has changed since then, and I remembered all the crazy, stupid stuff we did, and all the fun times we went through.
I was sitting at home, packing up all my things and it hit me so hard. I am never going to have that kind of lifestyle again. My easy, care-free, day to day thoughts about projects that mean nothing are over. I am probably wrong, in every sense, because I'm sure as time continues, there will be even great experiences and even better memories to be made.. but it just seems like I'm too impatient right now to really see it anytime soon.
In two words, I'm scared.
Tomorrow night is my major commencement ceremony. I'm really excited for it and pretty nervous about it too. It will be the actual end, but at least I will get to be with some of the people that I loved for 3 years before we part ways and never really have this RIT bubble again.
It's hard to explain what excitement and fear mixed together is really called. They should invent a word for it. Well, okay, I WILL. Let's call it "excitlefear". All right everyone, please begin using my word "excitlefear".
Yesterday, I had my final crit, then I met with my parents for dinner- they had just gotten in from NYC, and then afterwards I went over to Dan's place for a final "hoo-rah". As we were there, the old group, Dan, Brian, Oronde, Jocelyn, Eric, Min, Petros and even Josh were all there. It was really weird. We haven't really met up this entire term, but I remember last year, we used to hang out all the time. I mean, that apartment was my second HOME. I used to be over at Dan's place almost everyday... I was even designated my own living space. So much has changed since then, and I remembered all the crazy, stupid stuff we did, and all the fun times we went through.
I was sitting at home, packing up all my things and it hit me so hard. I am never going to have that kind of lifestyle again. My easy, care-free, day to day thoughts about projects that mean nothing are over. I am probably wrong, in every sense, because I'm sure as time continues, there will be even great experiences and even better memories to be made.. but it just seems like I'm too impatient right now to really see it anytime soon.
In two words, I'm scared.
Tomorrow night is my major commencement ceremony. I'm really excited for it and pretty nervous about it too. It will be the actual end, but at least I will get to be with some of the people that I loved for 3 years before we part ways and never really have this RIT bubble again.
It's hard to explain what excitement and fear mixed together is really called. They should invent a word for it. Well, okay, I WILL. Let's call it "excitlefear". All right everyone, please begin using my word "excitlefear".
Monday, May 11, 2009
The Strangest Dream of All.
I had a really packed weekend and now I am completely exhausted. I had 4 people at my apartment this weekend visiting.. and it was just a number to keep everyone happy.. it was a lot of fun though- but this morning I woke up late for work.. I woke up AT 8:00 am, when I was suppose to be at work at 7:45. It was horrendous and I ran there. I got there at 8:30.. and then had a horrible morning working and checking all this equipment in. I was so tired I wanted to collapse. I've been tired this entire week.. I'm STILL sore from Turbo Kick from last Tuesday and my body really needs a rest. I only got like 4 hours of sleep last night and that isn't enough to carry me through. I just took a 2 hour nap before and had the freakiest dream.
I dreamt that my coworker took me to this mountain to learn this African dance.. and the dancers would slowly followed you and capture you forever and it was so freaking scary and they kept showing up everywhere I went... it was horrible. I woke up in a sweat. Then I had to make myself go to class.. and I almost fell asleep in class. Now I'm back in the lab catching up on EVERTYHING.
Wow, I am stressed out. I just want to sleep for hours and hours and hours.
I'm still waiting on someone's answer for a job too. They haven't emailed me back yet and it's making me extra nervous.
I dreamt that my coworker took me to this mountain to learn this African dance.. and the dancers would slowly followed you and capture you forever and it was so freaking scary and they kept showing up everywhere I went... it was horrible. I woke up in a sweat. Then I had to make myself go to class.. and I almost fell asleep in class. Now I'm back in the lab catching up on EVERTYHING.
Wow, I am stressed out. I just want to sleep for hours and hours and hours.
I'm still waiting on someone's answer for a job too. They haven't emailed me back yet and it's making me extra nervous.
Thursday, May 7, 2009
12:30 AM Conversations
Am I really too ambitious?
I just had a really great talk with my housemate. I really love her, I've come to really get to know her this part half year and really enjoy living with her. Never have I had such a great living condition, and I'm really happy I was able to experience this right before I graduated from college. There have been so many crappy instances of room-mate living situations that I was about to completely give up on every having any relationships with my housemates.. but boy, I'm glad I was able to get out of my shell and talk to Sarah, Sierra (my fake-extra housemate) and Ashley.
Once again however, I am tired and swamped with projects and work. I went to Wal-Mart tonight to pick up props for my next shoot- which I was suppose to shoot tonight, but I ended up being too tired and putting it off. I really should have done it.. but in a way, I feel so overwhelmed and creatively dry tonight...so ugh. Tomorrow; my day is completely full since I'll be at the Phase Training Workshop from 9-5.. then UJ's house for dinner...then I'm hosting Yi and Carolyn for the weekend. This weekend is going to be jam-packed!!
This is the last week of classes/school coming up. No comment to that.
I'm suppose to pick up my graduation gown and study-abroad sash soon! I'm excited! My sash is the flag of Japan =) I'll look so cool! :P (Not really)
I just had a really great talk with my housemate. I really love her, I've come to really get to know her this part half year and really enjoy living with her. Never have I had such a great living condition, and I'm really happy I was able to experience this right before I graduated from college. There have been so many crappy instances of room-mate living situations that I was about to completely give up on every having any relationships with my housemates.. but boy, I'm glad I was able to get out of my shell and talk to Sarah, Sierra (my fake-extra housemate) and Ashley.
Once again however, I am tired and swamped with projects and work. I went to Wal-Mart tonight to pick up props for my next shoot- which I was suppose to shoot tonight, but I ended up being too tired and putting it off. I really should have done it.. but in a way, I feel so overwhelmed and creatively dry tonight...so ugh. Tomorrow; my day is completely full since I'll be at the Phase Training Workshop from 9-5.. then UJ's house for dinner...then I'm hosting Yi and Carolyn for the weekend. This weekend is going to be jam-packed!!
This is the last week of classes/school coming up. No comment to that.
I'm suppose to pick up my graduation gown and study-abroad sash soon! I'm excited! My sash is the flag of Japan =) I'll look so cool! :P (Not really)
Wednesday, April 8, 2009
Photography
I've come to a lot of decisions lately.
It's about 6 more weeks til graduation. My future is laying there right in front of me. All this time that I've been at RIT, there was one set goal in my mind- to become a successful photographer.
I believe I work hard. I want so badly to succeed. My dad said something very interesting to me the other night, I was tired, I was stressed out- so of course on my gtalk msg, I was like, "I'm becoming a workaholic". So then my dad msgs and says, "Please don't become like that. I hope you become average like your dad." That hit a huge nerve on me. I don't want to be average- I want to be a success. I WANT success. I don't want to be working so hard only to fail miserably. I realize that this path I chose for my future will leave me with millions of little failures- I am okay with that, but the end goal is that I want to succeed.. and have my work seen by people. I love my dad, I think he is the purest example of a man who worked so hard, and was so successful, he had 3 great children, 2 of which are successful .. and one more that's still in the works (that's me), an amazing grandson, and two wonderful children-in-laws and a wife that will never stop loving him. But I feel like right now I am in this stage where I want my career to be a high priority.
I was sitting in critique today with 20 of my other fellow seniors in my major. A lot of them had complete garbage on the wall. Some girl even had the nerve to say, "I just took this picture while I was procrastinating". I was appalled- and I wasn't the ONLY one who was annoyed that someone would say something like that. Why would you waste your classmates time in this time where it was meant to have other photographers look at your work and give your constructive criticism so you could improve? You are wasting our time by putting up garbage. Another girl in my class blurted out, "You're a senior now, and this is how much work you put in?!". Honestly, it's crunch time, if you want to be a photographer- you need to work HARD, harder than ANYONE. There is SO much competition out there, and if you dont put your soul and heart into your work- then you will get no where. Your portfolio should be top notch, you need to eat, sleep and breath photography- there is no other way.
Doesn't my life sound somewhat fun?
I know what lays ahead of me, and I get burnt out once in awhile, but I know what I love, and to make amazing images is something I love. I've worked so hard already and I'm not about to give up either. Every shoot that I've had these past 2 weeks have taken so much energy out of me, but I also love the feeling I get when I look at my contact sheets and I say to myself, "I can't believe I shot that!". I LOVE that feeling and I never want to lose it. I also want to share with the world!!
and that is why I do what I do.
It's about 6 more weeks til graduation. My future is laying there right in front of me. All this time that I've been at RIT, there was one set goal in my mind- to become a successful photographer.
I believe I work hard. I want so badly to succeed. My dad said something very interesting to me the other night, I was tired, I was stressed out- so of course on my gtalk msg, I was like, "I'm becoming a workaholic". So then my dad msgs and says, "Please don't become like that. I hope you become average like your dad." That hit a huge nerve on me. I don't want to be average- I want to be a success. I WANT success. I don't want to be working so hard only to fail miserably. I realize that this path I chose for my future will leave me with millions of little failures- I am okay with that, but the end goal is that I want to succeed.. and have my work seen by people. I love my dad, I think he is the purest example of a man who worked so hard, and was so successful, he had 3 great children, 2 of which are successful .. and one more that's still in the works (that's me), an amazing grandson, and two wonderful children-in-laws and a wife that will never stop loving him. But I feel like right now I am in this stage where I want my career to be a high priority.
I was sitting in critique today with 20 of my other fellow seniors in my major. A lot of them had complete garbage on the wall. Some girl even had the nerve to say, "I just took this picture while I was procrastinating". I was appalled- and I wasn't the ONLY one who was annoyed that someone would say something like that. Why would you waste your classmates time in this time where it was meant to have other photographers look at your work and give your constructive criticism so you could improve? You are wasting our time by putting up garbage. Another girl in my class blurted out, "You're a senior now, and this is how much work you put in?!". Honestly, it's crunch time, if you want to be a photographer- you need to work HARD, harder than ANYONE. There is SO much competition out there, and if you dont put your soul and heart into your work- then you will get no where. Your portfolio should be top notch, you need to eat, sleep and breath photography- there is no other way.
Doesn't my life sound somewhat fun?
I know what lays ahead of me, and I get burnt out once in awhile, but I know what I love, and to make amazing images is something I love. I've worked so hard already and I'm not about to give up either. Every shoot that I've had these past 2 weeks have taken so much energy out of me, but I also love the feeling I get when I look at my contact sheets and I say to myself, "I can't believe I shot that!". I LOVE that feeling and I never want to lose it. I also want to share with the world!!
and that is why I do what I do.
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